Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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