Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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