Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
