Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
