Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
