she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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