I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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