I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
