peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
