I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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