And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
