Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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