Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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