Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
