There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
