Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
