a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
