They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
