I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
