You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
