Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
