Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
