Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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