so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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