Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
