Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
