Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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