I have demons in me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
