i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
