I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dear god my vagina.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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