Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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