dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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