some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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