Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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