Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
