She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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