At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
