So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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