i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
