I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
