your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
