My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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