Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You are the jesus of drinking
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
