there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
