hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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