I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just pee around me
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
