you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
being pregnant is like rehab
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
