Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
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