this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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