The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
